Friday, June 29, 2012
Thursday, June 28, 2012
ghost..
somehow feel as if a part of me is gone, as if an extention of me is somehow ghostly floating behind me.. and I can feel it but I cant touch it.. I cant fully take it upon myself anymore. And this feeling, somedays makes me ache all over every inch of me. Encompassing my body, mind, and spirit....
Beauty is certainly a soft, smooth, slippery thing, and therefore of a nature which easily slips in and permeates our souls.
At 27.. soon to be 28 I never thought that this would be my life. You can say its kind of been a wild rollercoaster ride even though I hate that analogy. I'm separated, the only thing tying me to a stranger I know very well, or thought I knew are my two beautiful girls. I came out ( well was outed) as being bisexual last year. In turn costing me everything. I up and moved not that long ago away from a person I loved, and a place I had gotten so comfortable with to the sunny sugary sandy beaches of Florida. Although, daunting and scary to move to a new place with no home, no prospects and no money.. I think im starting to fall in love with it here. Although, I will always hold a little resentment for the sunshine state being that moving here cost me a great love. In the end though eveything happens for a reason. And if there is no good reason.. well at least I can say I got to bask in beauty of the beach and the ocean anytime I wanted. And I get to sing my girls to sleep everynight. Im trying hard to find my niche here.. and really just trying to find myself. And regardless of all pain Ive endured and how much Ive struggled and broken down, I am rising like a phoenix once again. I want to see beauty again, trust again, love again and smile cause I truly am happy. So I guess I should be ultra dramatic and throw my arms up in the air and say, " Look out world here I come!" And those of you who know me.. well u know I had to do it after writing that.:)
Version of Me
Im sorry for you I could not be some other version of me
One that made staying everything, leaving impossible, and anyone else invisible
One you'd never lie to, cheat on, use up ,throw away.
One you wouldnt give useless promises sealed with meaningless kisses too.
And plans for a life you knew would never happen.
One that saw you for you, excepting and loving all of you even the imperfections
Im sorry for you I could not be some other version of me
One that made colors brighter and moments so full of love and passion that it seemed the whole world had fallen away
One that gave kisses so deep you felt as if I was reaching your soul
One that held your hand as if doing so would save you, hold you as if it was the only way you could breath
One that gave smiles a plenty and gazes into your beautiful eyes that meant a thousand I love yous
Im sorry for you I could not be some other version of me
One that had all the answers and all the right questions
One that knew the reason for every rhyme and doubt was scarce.
One that had confidence and bravery like yours, and an unwillingness to fail, to fall
One that comforted you, supported you, one that said Im sorry and please forgive me
One that was stronger, unemotional, and where the only thing I wore on my arm was my sleeve and not my heart
One that saw beauty in the small things, good in all things and tried to help you see it too
Im sorry for you I could not be some other version of me
Cause the girl I gave u WAS all these things, did all these things, and you broke her.
And for awhile I would look in the mirror and wonder where she was.
It has hurt to breath and the thought of trusting anyone again has my heart scared shitless
But with every ounce of strength I have left, I wake up everyday with a strong ache to not cry, not hurt, not fall apart, not ever think of you and realize the girl I used to be is still here, putting herself back together and realizing she is deserving of so much better than what you gave her.
One that made staying everything, leaving impossible, and anyone else invisible
One you'd never lie to, cheat on, use up ,throw away.
One you wouldnt give useless promises sealed with meaningless kisses too.
And plans for a life you knew would never happen.
One that saw you for you, excepting and loving all of you even the imperfections
Im sorry for you I could not be some other version of me
One that made colors brighter and moments so full of love and passion that it seemed the whole world had fallen away
One that gave kisses so deep you felt as if I was reaching your soul
One that held your hand as if doing so would save you, hold you as if it was the only way you could breath
One that gave smiles a plenty and gazes into your beautiful eyes that meant a thousand I love yous
Im sorry for you I could not be some other version of me
One that had all the answers and all the right questions
One that knew the reason for every rhyme and doubt was scarce.
One that had confidence and bravery like yours, and an unwillingness to fail, to fall
One that comforted you, supported you, one that said Im sorry and please forgive me
One that was stronger, unemotional, and where the only thing I wore on my arm was my sleeve and not my heart
One that saw beauty in the small things, good in all things and tried to help you see it too
Im sorry for you I could not be some other version of me
Cause the girl I gave u WAS all these things, did all these things, and you broke her.
And for awhile I would look in the mirror and wonder where she was.
It has hurt to breath and the thought of trusting anyone again has my heart scared shitless
But with every ounce of strength I have left, I wake up everyday with a strong ache to not cry, not hurt, not fall apart, not ever think of you and realize the girl I used to be is still here, putting herself back together and realizing she is deserving of so much better than what you gave her.
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